Why are you so hard on yourself?

When working through all the attributes I am helping people with through coaching, teaching, and consulting, one cannot deny the existence of self defeat. It is not only a driver or attribute we measure when using a performance assessment. It is often observable as the pure opposite to confidence and motivation.

The title of this passage was chosen because people can be too hard on themselves for no particular reason. It often started in childhood when something new was to be tried. In kindergarten or school a new sport or exercise might be the first time this behavior can be triggered. An individual has a bad day, gets chosen to try a new sport, and fails on the first attempt. Under normal circumstances and when in a good mood, you would just step up, try again and see how it feels when the movement is done right. Any skier can relate how awesome it is when you can finally get down the beginners hill yourself and with some confidence. People that have an elevated self-defeat attribute deny themselves this elation.

If the willingness to attempt a number of times to find out what is actually required and how learning and improvement feels, a pattern of frustration combined with anticipation is developed. Soon, the person doesn’t even try anymore even once, but just concludes that he or she will be bad or unsuccessful. Later in life this kind of attitude leads to avoidance of people, avoidance of change, avoidance of anything that isn’t totally familiar.

The problem with self defeat is not so much that the person is truly unable to perform, but that he or she is telling him/herself that this is the case. In a second step, if pressured, they also tell everybody around them. In relationships, these individuals are known to be very shy and insecure. When looking at it with a medical lens, we can find the following explanations:

According to Wikipedia, Self-defeating personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him or her, as indicated by at least five of the following:

• Chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
• Rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
• Following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
• Incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
• Rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
• Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write his or her own
• Is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is untracked to caring sexual partners
• Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice

The behaviors do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused. Also, the behaviors do not occur only when the person is depressed.

Patricia D. Raya has written some very comprehensive things about the attribute of self defeat:

We live in a toxic society where at one time or another we encounter hurtful behavior. As rational beings, we naturally seek to protect ourselves from further pain, and in doing so we choose behaviors and adopt attitudes that we believe will help us cope with the emotional pain and the dissonance wrought from these experiences. Some of us become workaholics, alcoholics, rage-a-holics, perpetual victims, hermits, and catty critics. We live in self-imposed glass houses for fear of the ever-oppressive, future possibility of further threat. We live life through the lens of our judgments and quickly retreat from the world we so deeply mistrust, separating ourselves in defeat.

What are Self-Defeating behaviors?

Self-defeating behaviors are a series of habitual choices that separates a person from life supporting feelings, values, attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Initially, self-defeating behaviors “seem” to work by enabling a person to “cope” with the pain of an experience. These behaviors, however, are deceptive and isolating because initially they “seem” to make us feel better by temporarily restoring our equilibrium, but in the long term, they don’t solve the problem or heal the pain at all; they compound problems and mask pain. Behaviors and attitudes become self-defeating when they bring to bear the effects and consequences we have been trying to avoid all along!

How does Self-Defeating behavior start?

Let’s say for example you want to go on a date with a woman at work. While standing in the coffee room, you ask her on a date. She not only rejects your offer, but she threatens to report you to Human Resources for sexual harassment! You are frightened, bewildered and humiliated. From that moment on, you swear off all women, as a matter of fact, you swear off all interpersonal and intimate relationships.

Life is going to be all about work! You vow to work, eat, and sleep and that’s it. Self-defeating behaviors begin to develop because the conscious mind convinces itself that it doesn’t need affection and attention from others, and cutting off this perceived need (threat) will prevent further potential pain. The downside of this behavior is that the initial desire of not wanting to be alone and isolated is now fully realized.

Besides recognizing how important and potentially destructive self defeat can be, the question is: What can we do about it?

If you know individuals who suffer form this attribute, try to be encouraging and patient. Trust and good, harmonious relationships need to be formed first. Then, as a second step you can help develop confidence in the person with elevated levels of self defeat. That is one reason why coaching works so well with this situation. As many studies have shown, coaches don’t have all the baggage, politics of the family or company, or any other underlying motives. In that sense the main focus is really on helping the person receiving the coaching. That often lead to a willingness to open up and discuss issues otherwise guarded and avoided.

There are many exercises that one can do to discover where the real passions lie. Each person has at least a few things he or she really likes and loves. These few things can become the passion and be expanded into a real focus area. When we are passionate about something and really want it, we are willing to try many times, even if it is hard at the beginning. Master mind groups, friends with similar interests and people who are willing to encourage the shy individual are important to overcome the self defeat tendency. Realizing that you are good and some things will be like opening the gates to happiness.

Soon you will realize that the original cause of your self defeat and frustration was not really worth all the pain, suffering and frustration. There are pathological cases that should be treated through counseling. For most people, it takes a good motivator, some help with confidence and some exercises to find a true passion. With those in place you can find a path to success that is joyful and free of self defeating thoughts and shyness.

Reflect on what you enjoy and like and do more of it. As you happiness increases you will be willing to take a few more risks. If you can find a coach or friend who encourages you when you don’t succeed on the first try of something new, you will have overcome the biggest obstacle on your path to defeat your self-defeating personality.

Axel Meierhoefer, President AC LLC